


Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

by rixsig-writes (rixsig)



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Grief, M/M, how many times can i make yoosung cry in one fic, unhealthy relationship, v is pretty awful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 18:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9455270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rixsig/pseuds/rixsig-writes
Summary: After Rika dies V hardly exists anymore, there for a second and then gone the next.





	

**Author's Note:**

> so Lee (Mercurians on here) and i each wrote a fic based on a twitter convo we had with Ana (peekabooitsmiko on Tumblr). i went in a little bit of a weird direction with it because i have a bad habit of torturing myself as much as possible, but i hope you like it anyways Ana! ♥

1.

When Rika dies everyone is shocked except for V.

Yoosung doesn’t notice this at first, too wrapped up in his own grief and denial to absorb much of the world around him, but he notices later— almost a year and a half later, sitting alone in a room lit only by a computer screen. He stares blankly while his videogame character swings his sword at monsters, the voices of his guildmates echoing, meaningless, in his ears.

2.

V doesn’t get on the messenger much anymore, not since she died. Everyone says it’s because he’s grieving. She was his fiancee, after all. The love of his life. That takes time, they say. Yoosung just wishes he was there so he could have someone to talk to. Someone who loved her so much must understand how he feels, right?

V logs on a month after her death at a moment when Yoosung is offline, says a few words to Jumin and Seven about the status of the RFA, and leaves.

Yoosung waits, but V doesn’t log on again for weeks.

3.

A couple days before he heads off to college he dyes his hair. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you leave home, right? Reinvent yourself? Become a better person?

He dyes his hair blond. He expects his straight-laced mother to have a few stern words for him when she sees it, but instead she looks at him with misty eyes and only tells him to wash his hands for dinner.

She looks at him a lot as they eat, and his father doesn’t look at him at all.

4.

Once at college a thought sticks in Yoosung’s mind like a pebble in a shoe, poking and prodding at him until he can’t help but obsess over it. She threw herself into the sea, but they never found her body. Isn’t that strange? Was it really that deep, was the tide really that strong? What if she was found by someone else? What if she was just lost, not knowing who she was? Wasn’t that possible?

Yoosung texts V with shaking hands, not able to help himself. His message has a couple typos, but the question is clear. Yoosung awaits a response with a fast-beating heart, but doesn’t get one until many hours later in the middle of the night.

‘I’m so sorry Yoosung,’ it says, ‘But she’s gone.’

5.

Five months after Rika’s death, Yoosung stands outside and blinks brightness-induced tears out of his eyes. He hasn’t left his dorm apartment all weekend but hunger is forcing his hand. He picks a direction and walks aimlessly until he hits a street-vendor’s stall and doesn’t know what he’s purchased until he sticks it in his mouth. Egg bread. He keeps walking as he chews. When he’s done he looks up and finds himself at a park. An isolated little shady corner, away from the families and laughing children. He sits down. He stares at nothing.

It’s a beautiful day. Sunny, warm. Yoosung wishes he could appreciate it better.

A shutter sound clicks to his left, and Yoosung’s heart leaps to his throat. _Stupid,_ he chides himself, _he’s not the only photographer in the world._

But he turns his head and there V is, like a mirage, pointing a camera straight at him. When V’s head emerges from behind the viewfinder Yoosung can’t help but notice the sunglasses he’s wearing. They seem so out of place together with V’s soft cardigan and fluffy hair, but well, it is a bright day. Yoosung sort of wishes he had a pair himself. The whole world feels too bright for him today.

When V sits down next to him Yoosung can barely string words together, and V laughs, fond, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. For moment it feels like he never left. Yoosung has so many things to ask him, but somehow he finds himself spilling his own guts instead. All it takes is just one heartfelt question about his wellbeing and a patient silence, and the paper-thin walls Yoosung had built to not worry his mom, not to worry his classmates, had crumbled down like tissue paper.

“I’m s-sorry,” Yoosung mumbles, “I just—”

“Say whatever you need to, Yoosung,” V coaxes, and Yoosung’s halting half-phrases turn into a downpour of words until everything’s rushing out at once.

The overbearing loss, his feelings of isolation, the lack of direction in his life, Yoosung drops it all and V takes it without complaint. Yoosung can just barely see the suggestion of his eyes behind those dark lenses and they never waver once, not until Yoosung’s eyes fill and overflow with tears and then Yoosung feels himself pulled forward until his head is resting on V’s shoulder. He spares a moment to realize distantly that he should be embarrassed to be comforted like this at his age, but he can’t make himself care about that. Instead he grips hard onto V’s cardigan and ugly-sobs until nothing is left and he feels light-headed and hollow.

When he comes back to himself he finally realizes V’s hand has been stroking through his hair, and Yoosung jerks back, face and neck flushing. V’s shoulder is a mess. Yoosung is a mess. He sniffs hard and scrubs at his face until the sleeve of his hoodie is damp, but there’s nothing to be done about V’s cardigan.

“O-oh my god, I’m really sorry...I can wash it for you! It shouldn’t take too long—”

“There’s no need for that,” V says. He doesn’t seem bothered at all but...

It occurs to Yoosung that he just dumped all of his grief on V without letting V reciprocate once.

“What...what about you?” Yoosung says, looking from obscured eye to obscured eye trying to read V’s expression through his glasses, “H-how are you? You can tell me anything too, if you want to…”

V just smiles and suddenly the man feels ten million miles away. “Don’t worry about me.”

“But—” Yoosung’s eyebrows scrunch. V’s not okay. He can’t be. Not if he loved Rika at all.

“Thank you, Yoosung, but I’m fine. I promise.”

V stands firm and Yoosung can do nothing but back off, staring helplessly at his face. He can see the strong nose, the wavy bangs, the line of V’s jaw, but his expression, his true feelings, are barred from him. The beginnings of frustration spark in his stomach, and uselessness hangs like a weight around his neck. Yoosung finds himself trying to pick out the exact shape of V’s eyes, the slant of his brows, but can’t quite manage it.

Maybe if he gets closer. He leans in until he can see it clearly: the roundedness of V’s eyes, the peek of his eyebrows above the frames of his sunglasses, the very slight part of his mouth. Surprise.

“Please?” Yoosung pleads, “Everyone’s worried about you. I-I’m worried.”

V can't seem to look away. Yoosung feels the sun, warm on his face as it breaks through the trees. He feels grass under his bracing hand. He holds his breath. He hopes he looks strong, dependable. He wants to be strong. He wants to be strong so badly.

When V speaks it's at half-volume. “I can’t. I’m sorry Yoosung.”

Yoosung’s heart aches.

6.

V disappears for two months and Yoosung discovers LOLOL.

It slots so perfectly into the cracks of his life. When he gets back from class he can boot up his computer and complete quests and be a hero instead of all the nothing he normally does, instead of thinking in circles like he normally does.

He loves it. When he talks to people there, they all talk back.

7.

Yoosung doesn't leave often for anything but school, but when he does he finds himself at the park. He jumps at every camera sound, but he’s never that lucky again. It’s never V. It’s never V looking at him, not through a camera lense or his sunglasses or anything else.

8.

Somehow Yoosung makes friends. He doesn’t feel a lot like good friend material, but he tries really hard to be nice even when he’s in a fog and his friends seem to keep lumping his absent-mindedness together with his natural clumsiness so it all works out. One of those friends suggests he try a club with him one day, and that’s how Yoosung finds himself trying to stuff and sew a decorative pillow after class eight months after Rika’s death.

It’s not bad. He’s better at it than he thought he would be. He mangles the first half of the stitching but it starts smoothing out towards the end and that’s not too shabby for someone who’s only ever held a needle to fix buttons before. He finds himself smiling as he closes the last bit up. He’s...proud of himself. He doesn’t want to join the club or anything, but it’s really neat to learn something new and see himself get better. To accomplish something real.

9.

He goes to that club one more time, but one of the girls there—the one who showed him how to knot the thread to finish the pillow off when he couldn’t get it at first—asks him out. He should be thrilled. She’s pretty, she’s nice, and he’s always wanted a girlfriend, even back when he was in high school and didn’t let himself do anything outside of study and volunteer with Rika.

But he looks at her fidget nervously with her hair and feels...nothing. Except awkwardness maybe. Where’s the happiness he should be feeling? Why isn’t his heart beating faster? Maybe he just doesn’t know her well enough?

“U-um,” She prompts, startling him out of his thoughts, “W-will you? Go out with me?”

“Uh! I—uh, thank you, I really, uh,” Yoosung looks down. What does he say? What should he say? His mind is blank. “I-I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s a good idea right now…”

Her posture wilts and he feels awful watching her walk away like that. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He should have asked to stay friends or something. Maybe he would have fallen for her with some time? But as guilty as he feels about it he can’t find it in himself to regret it, no matter how hard he tries.

His friend is waiting, all ready to congratulate him when Yoosung rejoins him later, and is completely shocked to discover Yoosung’s refusal. Yoosung is shocked too. His friend peppers him with rapid-fire questions all the way back to the dorms and Yoosung can’t answer any of them; he just stutters and shrugs and blushes.

When Yoosung returns to his room and logs on to the messenger he sees Seven’s online. He types out a request for advice, but decides against it and deletes it all at the last second. He feels too complicated right now to even explain the situation right. He throws some crying emojis out there instead, which Seven predictably pounces on.

There’s a little back-and-forth where Yoosung plays coy, but he just ends up talking about his half-failed sewing experience instead. He posts a picture that he took of the pillow’s bad side and Seven floods the chat with his hysterics. It almost washes his weird feelings away, but there’s still one more persistent thorn stuck in his side.

Yoosung★: Hey, has V logged on at all yet?

707: Nope, not since the other ten times you asked lololololol

707: But maybe if I wave my magic wand he’ll appear just this once?

707: swish~

707: swoosh~

707: SWISH~!

V has entered the chatroom.

707: Success!!!

Yoosung’s heart picks up tempo so fast he doubles over with his phone clutched to his chest. Now that they’re finally online at the same time he has no idea what to do. Everything he can think of to say either sounds too trite or too personal. All he wants is to talk to him, to have him talk back. That’s all he’s wanted for months.

V: Luciel, why was my phone vibrating?

V: Oh, Yoosung, you’re here.

V: Are you doing well? How have your classes been going?

And like an idiot Yoosung answers him. He’s so happy that V’s paying attention to him that he spills everything, even that bit about the girl asking him out earlier that day. Seven reacts instantly, ‘ooooo-ing’ and ‘aaaaaah-ing’ and poking fun at him in equal measure, but V stays weirdly unresponsive for a long moment and Yoosung’s guts tie themselves into knots in the silence. He must have talked too much, just like last time. Yoosung flushes and looks away from his phone. He can’t believe he just made the same mistake twice.

V: I should have known you would be popular.

Yoosung★: W-what????

Yoosung★: No I’m really not;;;;

Yoosung★: This is the first time anyone’s ever liked me…

V: I’m sure that’s not true.

V: But I hope she makes you happy.

707: lolololol it’s not like they’re going to get married

707: OR ARE THEY????

707: Are those wedding bells I hear in the distance~?

Yoosung★: N-no!!

Yoosung★: We’re not even together!!!

707: Huh?

707: But a girl asked you out, right?

Yoosung★: That doesn’t mean I said yes…

707: Our cutie Yoosung turned down a girl???

707: Is Yoosung walking down the path of a heartbreaker???

V: Oh…

V: I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you.

V: But I know someone like you will find someone wonderful someday.

Yoosung’s heart thumps. He scrambles to type out a reply but V beats him to it yet again.

V: My signal is getting weak.

V: I should go before it cuts out completely.

V: Luciel, please continue keeping an eye out for the next few months.

V: I’ll have more freedom for a while so I’ll try to log on more often.

707: Don’t worry, I’ve got everything covered.

V: Yoosung…

V: I hope you continue to do well.

V has left the chatroom.

707: Aha! See? I told you he’d be back eventually if we waited long enough.

707: Feel a little better?

Yoosung★: Yeah

He doesn’t. Not really. He just feels...hollow, scared. Like he reached out for V’s hand and got a fistful of smoke instead. The more time goes on the more V begins feeling more like a ghost than a person. Gone, seen only in glimpses and fever dreams. Isn’t the grief supposed to fade, not the person grieving?

10.

Sometimes that grief hits him out of nowhere, so strong that it ruins anything he’s doing. He’s had to leave class before because of it, because his mind wandered during a lecture and landed on the one, inescapable thing that can destroy him in an instant. When his friends ask him about it afterwords he has to laugh it off or pretend he had a stomachache. He wonders how long he’ll live like this. Time heals all wounds, and it’s true that he cries less these days, but he still doesn’t feel healed. He’s perpetually raw, liable to collapse at any moment. Does V feel like this too? Is this why he’s never around? How long does it take to move on? One year? Five? Does he even want to? He’s so useless without her. She was the one who brought purpose into his life; what is he supposed to do now that she’s gone?

How is he supposed to know what he wants anymore?

He boots up LOLOL one night when he can’t get to sleep and before he knows it, the sun is peeking through the window. Yoosung blinks owlishly at it in astonishment. It’s been, what, six hours? That’s never happened before. He’s never been up so late that he saw the sun rise, not even when studying for entrance exams. He’s abashed. What is he supposed to do about classes today? There’s no way he’ll be able to pay attention like this! But. For a while...for a while he didn’t think about her. Not about her, not about V, not about his feelings of abandonment, nothing.

So maybe...maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to do this sometimes. Just every once in while, when he can’t sleep. It feels so much better than staring at the ceiling, alone with his thoughts.

11.

Another month passes and Yoosung sees V in the supermarket.

Yoosung has to pinch himself the moment feels so surreal. V seems so distant from reality sometimes that Yoosung forgets he does things like eat food like any other normal person, as if he’s transcended the need for groceries. But there he is, a basket on his arm, holding some sort of canned food in his hand. Yoosung’s mouth goes dry. What does he do? What should he do? Just go up and say hi? It’s been _four months_ since the last time he’s seen him in person.

V puts the can and two others in the basket and starts walking away, jolting Yoosung into action. He dashes forward and seizes V’s wrist, jerking him to a stop. V tenses up hard, nearly ripping his wrist away, but when he spots Yoosung he stops mid-motion and gradually relaxes. He has sunglasses on this time too, Yoosung notices, even inside.

“Yoosung, what are you doing here?” He looks down at the deathgrip Yoosung has on his wrist, “Are you okay? Are you in trouble?”

Yoosung loosens his hold but can’t bring himself to drop it completely. He feels the warm skin under his hand. V’s real. He’s not smoke. If he arranges his fingers just so, he can even feel V’s pulse under his fingertips. He’s there. He’s alive. He’s not a ghost. For some reason the thought makes his eyes prickle with tears. God, he’s so tired of crying. He wishes he could just turn it off.

“Yoosung?”

He tries to hold it back, he does, but he’s such a snotty crier and a sniffle escapes him anyway. His hand trembles. V instantly drops his basket, and it falls to the floor with a loud clap, making the other customers’ heads swivel. He takes a hold of Yoosung’s shoulder with his free hand.

“Yoosung, tell me what happened.” V looks around them and his grasp on Yoosung’s shoulder tightens. “No, follow me first.”

Now V’s the one grabbing Yoosung’s wrist, and he tows him quickly out of the store and to the edge of a secluded parking lot. He takes his phone out, holds it extremely close to his face, and sends off a text. He doesn’t move at all until he receives a text back less than a minute later. Then he rounds on Yoosung again and tugs him closer.

“W-what?” Yoosung says, bewildered. He has no idea what’s going on.

“Did someone try to hurt you? Did you catch a face? A name?”

“V, what are you talking about?” For all that Yoosung was so happy before to see him, seeing him so intense like this is almost frightening. “What do you mean did someone try to hurt me?”

V visibly pauses to gather himself. He stows his phone away and steps closer to bring that hand to Yoosung’s face, and Yoosung keeps perfectly still as V runs his thumb along the corner of his eye. Yoosung doesn’t dare breathe. His heart constricts painfully.

“You were crying,” V confirms, his posture gentling into a more normal concern, “What’s wrong, Yoosung?”

He’s too close, he’s too close, he’s too close. Yoosung’s whole body feels full of static. V repeats his question, but Yoosung can’t pay enough attention to understand it. He’s acutely aware of V’s hand still on his wrist, of the fingertips of V’s other hand braced against his temple, almost edging into his hair. He can’t look away from V’s face.

It’s not until Yoosung sees V’s eyes widen behind his shades that Yoosung realizes he’s leaning forward. A warning alarm sounds in his mind, but before he can even think of pulling back Yoosung’s already kissing him. V’s lips are rough, like he chews at them constantly and never uses chapstick, but they’re warm. _Rika’s kissed him like this,_ Yoosung thinks distantly. For some reason V doesn’t pull away.

A little bit of Yoosung’s reason returns to him and he jerks back slightly, his nose bumping into V’s sunglasses and tilting them askew. Yoosung lifts a hand by reflex to straighten them out, but V pins it as soon as it gets too close to the side of his head. Yoosung opens his mouth to say something, he doesn’t know exactly what—probably a question—but it’s a pointless exercise because…because...

V kisses him back.

12.

V kisses slow, thorough, and with great intensity, and the memory of that kiss always emerges when it’s least convenient: when Yoosung’s trying to study, when he’s trying to find Mars in an astrology club meeting, when there’s a quiz that he’s running out of time on. He’s dropped his pen more in the last couple of days than he ever does in a month, but as soon as he remembers it, feels the phantom touch of V’s hand tangled in his hair, his fingers go slack without his permission and the pen goes rolling away.

13.

He thinks of calling V. Asking about it. This is something they should talk about, right? But whenever Yoosung opens his contacts list and finds V in there his courage abruptly runs out. All he can think about in those moments is V walking Yoosung home afterwards, perfectly polite and pleasant and not acting the slightest bit different at all.

14.

Yoosung★: Didn’t V say he was going to be around more often?

707: lololol

707: He never hangs out with us these days.

707: Too busy perfecting his art~

Jumin Han: V did contact me saying a rare opportunity came up overseas.

Jumin Han: I assume he’ll be busy for at least the next week.

Yoosung★: Oh...

14.

Yoosung looks at V’s contact entry. He finally presses it. The call goes straight to voicemail.

15.

The call goes straight to voicemail.

16.

The call goes straight to voicemail.

17.

Yoosung can’t keep track of how many times he tries, how many days. Each failed attempt sinks his heart deeper.

Has he had no service? For this long? Really? Or…A million possible scenarios fire through his brain. None of them are good. Yoosung hassles Seven and Jumin hoping at least to hear that V’s safe, and according to them he is. Which means...

Which means…

After a while, Yoosung gives up.

18.

Yoosung goes to class, attends clubs he’s not a part of, starts trying to cook, plays LOLOL, doesn’t sleep. The less sleep he gets, the more foggy his brain is. His grades suffer more, but his heart suffers less.

Sometimes he forgets about the messenger. Sometimes he avoids it on purpose. What’s the point anyway? He already knows V won’t be there, and even if he was V wouldn’t talk to him seriously.

Every once in a while Seven or Zen will send him a concerned text but those texts taper off as time goes by. They’re both busy. Everyone is busy. The RFA is falling apart without its founder and no one has the strength to do anything about it.

Once upon a time Yoosung thought V would have stepped up to take her place. He doesn’t think that anymore.

19.

On the one year anniversary of Rika’s death Yoosung visits her grave. He cries on the way there, little shaking sobs he tries to muffle while on the subway, but now, standing in front of her gravestone, his tears have run dry. A million memories swim in his head competing for his attention. When he first met her in sixth grade and she talked to him, not minding how stiff and shy he was; when she took him along with her for volunteering for the first time, patient with his inexperience and teaching him the value of treating everyone with respect no matter what their circumstances; when Yoosung missed a couple questions of his test and he panicked and Rika told him she was proud of him anyway for trying so hard, that she’d be proud of him whether he was valedictorian or not. Rika laughing; Rika talking about art; Rika helping people; Rika and his mom cooking food together; Rika bringing V over one day—

The sound of a camera shutter is deafening in the silence. Yoosung freezes over. He doesn’t dare look.

“Yoosung,” V walks over to Yoosung’s side. Yoosung tries his best not to stiffen up too much.

He doesn’t know why he didn’t think V would be here. Maybe he just thought V would skip out on this too, like he does everything else. Like he skipped out on every single one of Yoosung’s phone calls.

“You’re the only one here?” V asks.

“Zen offered to go with me but…” Yoosung shakes his head.

“Ah, I see.”

The conversation dies, and Yoosung is okay with that. He doesn’t want to talk to V anymore. He already knows what will happen because it’s happened every single time. V will encourage Yoosung to talk until he’s an emotional mess, V will refuse to talk himself, then he’ll leave, and Yoosung will be left standing there with another freshly picked wound, reaching out to a person who never looks back.

Yoosung’s stomach is tainted with bitterness and his tongue is weighed down by all the things he wants to say, but he won’t, he won’t, he _won’t_ —

V turns Yoosung’s face toward him with a gentle hand and Yoosung breaks.

“Where were you?!” Yoosung throws out challengingly. Prove me wrong, he thinks, Prove me wrong. Say something that can fix this. “Where have you been all this time? Where do you keep going? Why are you never here? You’ll call Jumin and Seven back but not, but not...do you even care?!”

_About Rika being gone. About the RFA. About her legacy._

_About me._

“I do,” V answers. He steps closer, cradles Yoosung’s face. “I care so much, Yoosung. You have no idea.”

“Then tell me,” Yoosung pleads.

V kisses him instead, right there in the graveyard, carefully and purposefully just like last time. He pulls back and kisses him again, then again, then again until Yoosung feels dizzy. Why is this happening? V was avoiding him earlier because of this, because of what had happened earlier, right? So then why…? But no matter how much Yoosung thinks about it, no answers are forthcoming. V says nothing, just continues the long, slow chain of kisses, pushing them closer and deeper until they’re both panting into each other’s mouths.

Everything about this situation is wrong, but when V tugs him against his chest with an arm around his waist and slips his tongue into his mouth all thought evaporates. Yoosung clutches at his back and tries to match his pace. It’s thorough, devastating. Yoosung feels like he’s on fire.

After a while V mellows the kiss and pulls back, mouth wet. He brushes Yoosung’s face with his hand, cards his fingers through Yoosung’s hair. He really likes to mess with his hair, Yoosung’s noticed.

Yoosung still wants answers. He wants them badly. But he wants this too, and at least he knows V will give it to him. Yoosung wants to get lost in it again. He wants to forget. He winds his arms around V’s neck and pulls him down, kissing him sloppily. The hand in Yoosung’s hair tightens, pulling at the strands and Yoosung gasps. V gives him what he wants. He gives him what he wants for a long, long time.

Before Yoosung leaves V kisses his forehead like a benediction, but it doesn’t feel like a blessing. It feels like a curse.

20.

Yoosung goes home, lies in bed, and tries to go to sleep; but as Yoosung lays there in the dark he comes to understand two things for certain: he’s in love with V, and V will never tell him the truth. Never.

Where does he disappear to? Why does he keep losing signal? Why does he never take his sunglasses off? Why are the details of Rika’s death so vague?

Yoosung launches himself out of bed and stumbles over to his computer, slapping at the on button and waiting for it to boot up. He got a gaming headset last week so he could use it to voicechat with his guildmates, but he doesn’t put it on this time. His throat is already tightening up. He doesn’t trust his voice right now.

He loves V. He loves him. And he doesn’t even know who V is anymore.

21.

After that Yoosung can barely bring himself to talk to V at all. Even in the rare occasions they’re both on the messenger at the same time Yoosung doesn’t feel happiness, just sick regret. Anger grows like a poisonous flower with every empty apology V sends, with every dodged question. Everyone else follows V so blindly and Yoosung doesn’t understand why. Doesn’t everyone else see how much V is hiding from them? Or is Yoosung the only one? Is everyone in on it? Are they keeping him out on purpose? Do they all think he can’t handle it, whatever it is?

His suspicion seesaws back and forth fruitlessly. He feels so alone.

22.

Yoosung spots V at the supermarket again. V turns his head, sees him, hesitates. Yoosung walks away.

23.

V knocks on his door for the first time a year and two months after Rika’s death. Yoosung opens it without checking who it is and regrets it instantly. Yoosung looks like a mess. He hasn’t brushed his hair in forever, there are dark circles under his eyes, and he doesn’t even know how long he’s been wearing these pajamas.

“You haven’t been going to class,” V says, standing in the doorway.

“H-how do you know that,” Yoosung snaps tiredly, “And why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be overseas again somewhere?”

“I care about you. I’m always keeping an eye on you.”

“Thank you,” Yoosung parrots bitterly, pleased to be able to use V’s own tactics against him for once, “But I’m fine. I promise.”

V puts a hand on Yoosung’s cheek. Yoosung melts into it. He hates himself.

“No you’re not,” V says.

Yoosung lets him in. Through the doorway, into his room, and onto his bed.

24.

V fucks the same way he kisses, all-consuming and heavy, taking his time. Yoosung rocks his hips, chants V’s name, scratches his back, but nothing gets him to move faster, go harder. It drives him insane. He rides on the edge of orgasm for what feels like forever until tears build up and slide down his face but V is relentless, set in his pace. Always, always his pace. Yoosung’s vision is blurry, but he still sees the glint of the camera lense when V takes a picture of him. Yoosung cums with a drawn out, exhausted moan, mouth wide open. He hears V take another picture.

V plays with Yoosung’s hair afterwards. V’s hands are the most honest thing about him, Yoosung thinks. Or at least he hopes so. Some part of him needs to be.

25.

They keep having sex after that. V brings his camera. Yoosung always tries to turn him away, but the moment that V touches him his will to fight snaps in half. He just...gives up. Gives in.

26.

V leaves Yoosung a key to his apartment.

“For emergencies,” He says.

Yoosung tucks it away and never touches it.

27.

A year and a half after the day of Rika’s death a young woman finds her way into the messenger and into Rika’s apartment. At first it’s hard not to see Rika in her, hard not to see it as divine providence, as fate. She comes out of nowhere and drags the RFA back into working order, falling into her new role so easily it’s like a miracle. She’s kind and she listens to him whine even when it’s trivial and pulls everyone together so that, for once, they feel like a real group again.

At first he’s desperate to fall in love with her, desperate to replace the dark spot in his heart with something brighter, but she doesn’t choose him and Yoosung can’t find it in himself to be upset about that. He wishes Sev...Saeyoung...all the happiness in the world.

28.

At one point just before the RFA party he and Zen get drunk together. Or well, it’s more him getting drunk and Zen tolerating him with a patience fortified by alcohol. At first he just babbles about Saeyoung and his girlfriend, about how lucky Saeyoung is, about how jealous he is, about how he wants a girlfriend too.

But then he starts talking about V.

He’s not sure how much he says—when he wakes up the next day on the morning of the party all the details are hazed over—but he knows he’s said too much. Zen treats him with way more care than usual, herding him around and fussing over him like a mother hen, both before and during the party. Zen keeps a hawk’s eye out at the crowd but Yoosung already knows V won’t be there. He’s gone. Like he always is.

29.

V almost dies; Saeyoung gets shot in the leg; Saeyoung’s twin brother is found and put into treatment for brainwashing. No one explains anything to Yoosung. He just trails along behind the rest of the RFA as they crowd around V’s hospital bed. Yoosung doesn’t know how to feel. He’s glad V’s not dead. That’s all he can say for certain.

30.

But Rika’s alive. She’s alive.

She’s not the same, but Yoosung doesn’t care. He feels like he can breathe again, like for the past year and a half the world was spinning in the wrong direction and today was finally set right. She’s vacant; she can’t do a lot for herself anymore, but that’s okay. Yoosung submits a leave of absence to his school. He doesn’t know if or when he’ll be back. She needs help and he’s prepared to dedicate his entire life to taking care of her if that’s what it takes. Finally, finally, he has the chance to pay her back for all she’s done for him.

31.

Zen tells him to send her to a camp in Alaska. Yoosung can’t believe it at first; it sounds like a joke. Alaska? Away from everyone she knows? How would he ever see her? How would he know she was okay? It’s hard not to be defensive about it, but the longer Zen explains the more the decision makes sense. Maybe she really does need help he can’t provide…

No. No. He’ll take care of her. He’ll take better care of her than V ever did. Better than V ever took care of anyone. He will.

32.

Rika talks. She tells him she’s happy. She tells him to leave. She tells him to fly free.

That’s what he’s been trying to do for the past year and a half and he still doesn’t know how.

33.

He lets her go. He has to.

34.

The RFA is interrogated and the news breaks soon after. Mint Eye: An underground organization with dozens of malnourished, drugged-up members. Their leader: Rika. Yoosung stares at the picture of the hooded and cloaked members on the television screen, stares at the picture of the white mansion in the woods, stares at the picture of the throne inside. They superimpose a police sketch of Rika on the side of that last one, wearing some weird ceremonial robes like something out of a fantasy game.

It can’t be real. None of this is happening. Yoosung’s breath picks up rapidly and he dials Jumin up, holds the phone shakily to his ear. Out of all of them, out of all of them he’d know, right? Jumin is many things, but at least he’s not a liar.

“Yoosung,” Jumin greets. He doesn’t sound surprised to be hearing from him.

“R-rika,” Yoosung gasps out, “She...is this really…?”

“Yes.” He says, as gently as Yoosung’s ever heard him speak.

Yoosung grips his flip-phone so tightly he’s afraid for a moment that it’ll snap. “He knew,” He spits, “V knew this whole time.”

“...he did.”

 

“How much did he tell you?” Yoosung interrogates. He’s not sure what answer he even wants but he needs to know.

“Only that Rika was troubled and that his eyesight was deteriorating,” Jumin says heavily, “Everything else...was a surprise.”

Yoosung’s grip on his phone becomes less crushing. It wasn’t just him. He wasn’t the only one left out. V didn’t even tell his own best friend. “What...what did he say to you when you found out?”

There’s a long pause. “He said he was sorry.”

Of course.

Of course he did.

35.

Yoosung visits V at the hospital, alone this time. He doesn’t call ahead of time. He doesn’t tell anyone else he’s going. He’s only been here once, but his feet carry him to V’s room without much conscious effort on his part. He remembers vividly what he felt that first visit. The overwhelming shock, the betrayal...Yoosung had started to suspect that V was obscuring the truth behind her death for ages now, but to know that she’d been alive this whole time, that V had been hiding that fact from everyone, from him? It makes him burn just thinking about it.

V’s head lifts when Yoosung enters the room. Without the glasses Yoosung can see it now, how his eyes don’t focus quite right. The doctors told them that he was legally blind. Yoosung wonders what the world looks like to him. Is it completely dark now? Just patches of color?

“Yoosung,” V says, “You came.”

Yoosung punches him in the face. Then he fists his hands into V’s hospital gown. V doesn’t resist. “You knew! She was alive this entire time and she was sick and alone and she needed help and you never told us!” Yoosung screams, shaking him, “Why?!”

“I thought it was the best way to keep everyone safe, I—”

“You just stood there and let her ruin the lives of almost fifty people! And Saeyoung’s brother! You knew he was there and you didn’t do anything! You can’t tell me Rika would have wanted this. If she was well she wouldn’t have wanted any of this!”

Yoosung flings V back down on the bed and steps back. He feels like he needs to wash his hands. His skin is crawling.

“...she called me her sun,” V murmurs, “She wanted me to be her world and I wanted to be that for her. I just wasn’t strong enough.” He absently wipes at the blood trickling down his nose, looks at the smear of it on his hand, “I thought if I could prove I’d never leave, if I let her do whatever she wanted with me she’d be satisfied someday.”

“Satisfied...someday…” Yoosung echoes blankly. He feels like V reached in with his spindly hands and scooped out every positive emotion Yoosung’s ever had. “Does she even know you’re still alive?”

“No,” V replies, “It’s better this way.”

Yoosung snaps. Before he realizes what he’s doing he’s already gotten another punch in, the cartilage of V’s nose crunching under his knuckles. He’s rearing back for another, but somebody grabs him and puts him into a hold before he can land it. Ah, security. That’s right. He’s in a hospital. Two security officers take him out of the room, kicking and screaming, while a couple scared nurses hover in the background.

“I hate you!” Yoosung screeches, “I hate you!”

V smiles sadly, blood dripping down his face.

36.

For the next couple weeks, Yoosung is as close to catatonic as possible for a person who’s not in a coma. Everything seems dark, impossible. He doesn’t take back his leave of absence, he doesn’t go to school, he doesn’t log onto the messenger, he doesn’t meet with his college friends, he doesn’t meet with any of the RFA, he doesn’t game. He barely eats.

37.

But Zen checks up on him all the time, once even in the middle of a rehearsal. Jaehee sends him vitamin supplements and Jumin sends him overly-pricey dinners. Saeyoung and his girlfriend play ding-dong-ditch a couple times, one day leaving a stuffed animal, another a box of Honey Buddha Chips. It’s cute. It almost makes him smile.

Slowly, slowly, he begins to come back to himself. An idea forms in his mind. His life until now has been a failure, he can’t even give Rika the help she needs, but he still has enough time to live his life honoring her in the best way he knows how: by listening to her last, earnest wish for him. He’ll learn how to fly free. He will.

38.

Yoosung goes to Jumin fully prepared to beg and plead his case on his knees with his face on the ground if he has to, but Jumin listens calmly to the first couple sentences, nods, and proposes his condition. Yoosung accepts. Jaehee drafts the contract, and they both sign it that very day.

39.

Later that week Yoosung cuts his hair and dyes it. When he looks in the mirror it’s almost like he’s gone back in time in all but expression. He looks like the life has been drained out of him. He wishes he could go back in time before this all happened. He misses his younger self. But...he also kind of hates him.

40.

He works for C&R International as an intern for a year under Jaehee’s supervision. He finishes final exams for the term, then takes a couple night classes. It’s brutal. He doesn’t have time for LOLOL, he barely has time for sleep. Jaehee worries about him, he knows. But it’s perfect this way.

41.

After the year is up Yoosung packs his bags and heads to America with Jumin’s promised funding and the finally passable English that he’s been studying so intensely for the past year. He says goodbye to his family; he says goodbye to the RFA. All of them make him promise to stay in touch. He says he’ll do his best.

42.

He’s in America for six years finishing his undergraduate degree and going through veterinary school. For the most part he puts everything he has into his studies, but he tries to date too. Despite everything the little spark of his dream for a happy romance still lives on in his heart. He goes on dates with girls, with guys, with so many wonderful people. He’d love to love any one of them, but...he just can’t.

That’s fine. It’s fine. He needs to focus on becoming a vet first anyway.

43.

When he’s finished his studies he comes back. The entire RFA, minus V, is there at the airport to greet him. Saeyoung’s brother is there too, looking awkward but a lot calmer, a lot more settled than Yoosung remembers.

They take him out to dinner, hassle him for stories, ask him questions. Saeyoung and his wife show off their wedding rings, Zen shows off a poster for the newest movie he’s starring in—which he later gives to Jaehee, of course, and Jaehee talks fondly of the new coffeeshop she’s opened. Jumin is the one who’s changed the least, still happy to expound about his latest cat-related business venture, although it’s refreshing to see that Jaehee doesn’t have to panic about them anymore.

After the long night of catching up, after people start filtering away, Jumin corners Yoosung with a serious look in his eye. “V’s fallen out of contact.”

Ice slithers down Yoosung’s spine. “A-and you think I’d be able to get to him? When you can’t?”

“Yes,” Jumin answers, “I could force entry but I’d rather it not become necessary.”

“What if I say no?”

Jumin blinks. “Then nothing. It’s a request, not a demand.”

44.

Yoosung goes.

45.

When Yoosung opens the door reluctantly he more or less finds what he expects: V sitting in a dark corner, his glasses reflecting the shine from the streetlamp outside the window. He has a book open on his lap. Yoosung can’t tell what kind like this. He flips the light on but V doesn’t react. Of course he doesn’t. Yoosung’s heard he’s gone fully blind in the years he’s been gone, and V likely heard his footsteps coming down the hall, heard the key turn in the lock.

“You’re here.” V says.

“You won’t answer your phone,” Yoosung says, deliberately trying to keep his voice flat, keep the bite out of it. He’s not sure he succeeds.

“It’s been so long…” V murmurs.

Yoosung says nothing.

“You still have the key. You’ve never used it before.”

Yoosung tries to will calmness into himself. “...I’m the only one with a spare and Jumin didn’t want to break your door down.”

“You could have given it to someone else.”

It’s true. He could have.

V finally turns his head toward him and Yoosung’s hackles rise. Why isn’t he over this after so many years? He spent so much time forgetting. He thought he was over this…

Yoosung shakes his head violently and closes the distance with a few short strides. He’ll give V the lecture Jumin requested out of him and then he’ll go. That’s all. But then his eyes catch the contents of the book and his stomach seizes.

It’s a photo album.

“W-what is this?” Yoosung gasps, bowing over like somebody punched him, “When did you take these?!” But even as he asks the question the memories flicker to life, one snapshot evoking the sensation of a hand moving down his jaw, another the taste of those fingers in his mouth. For a long moment all Yoosung feels is incredible blankness. Then fire swallows him whole. “You...you said you wouldn’t keep them!”

“I’m sorry,” V smiles, hand running lovingly down the edge of the open page, “It just seemed like such a shame to destroy something so beautiful. I’m sorry.”

Each apology falls like gravel on Yoosung’s ears, and the fire burns brighter. He clenches his fists.

“Get rid of them.”

All Yoosung sees is his stupid younger self: sunshine-blond hair and grief and all the gaping insecurites that V so delicately wove his hands into. It’s the frozen moment of a train-crash. Yoosung can’t look away. He feels sick.

“Rika always loved my photos, all of them—”

“Don’t you _dare_ say her name—”

“—she would see meaning in them that I never considered. I felt like my photos were worth something when she spoke about them.”

“Stop it!” Yoosung yells. He rips the album from V’s hands, rips pages out, throws them, drops the book. Tears spring in his eyes. “Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop talking, I can’t hear this anymore!”

There’s a photo of Yoosung sitting under a tree in the park, face impassive, weary. He remembers crying all over V that day. There’s a photo of Yoosung standing, red-eyed, in a graveyard. He remembers V’s tongue in his mouth. Yoosung walking to class, Yoosung at the supermarket, Yoosung eating lunch outside, Yoosung, Yoosung, Yoosung. Dozens of pictures he knew about, and dozens more that he didn’t. Yoosung shudders.

“Those pictures were the last things I looked at,” V continues, “I didn’t need anyone to tell me what they meant. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that they were worth something.”

Yoosung bunches his hands in his own hair, pulls until it hurts. He can’t handle this, he can’t handle this, he never should have come here, he should have known better, why did he come here?

“I kept praying I’d meet you again even if you were better off without me.”

Yoosung grabs V by the arm and flings him onto the floor. Photographs crease and crinkle under him. Yoosung straddles him, grabs him by the collar, punches him. V lets it happen.

“You ruined everything,” Yoosung cries, “None of this would have happened if you weren’t here!”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You can hate me. You can destroy me if you want to,” V says. There’s a photo by V’s head of Yoosung throwing his head back in esctasy.

Yoosung punches him again. Tears run down his face. Seven years. Seven long years of distance and work and he’s back here like nothing’s changed. V’s never changed. This is who he’s always been. Who he’ll always be.

V raises a hand. Wends his fingers into Yoosung’s hair. It’s stayed brown ever since he interned at Jumin’s company. V will always remember him best with blonde hair. That’s how he saw him last.

“I love you,” V says through his busted lip.

Yoosung loosens his grip on V’s collar. He hangs his head. He sobs.

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up @rixsig_writes on twitter and hit up Lee's fic here!
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/9436739


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